“Th’ entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to go to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th’ slate.  Th’ English dillygate was much incensed.  ‘Why, gintlemen’, says he, ’if ye deprived us iv th’ right to collect debts be killin’ th’ debtor ye wud take away fr’m war its entire moral purpose.  I must ask ye again to cease thinkin’ on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an’ considher th’ moral side alone,’ he says.  Th’ conference was much moved be this pathetic speech, th’ dillygate fr’m France wept softly into his hankerchef, an’ th’ dillygate fr’m Germany wint over an’ forcibly took an open-face goold watch fr’m th’ dillygate fr’m Vinzwala.

“Th’ Hon’rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud be fed with hay wheriver possible.  Carrid.  A long informal talk on th’ reinthroduction iv scalpin’ followed.  At last th’ dillygate fr’m Chiny arose an’ says he:  ‘I’d like to know what war is.  What is war annyhow?’ ‘Th’ Lord knows, we don’t,’ says th’ chairman.  ’We’re all profissors iv colledges or lawyers whin we’re home,’ he says.  ’Is it war to shoot my aunt?’ says th’ dillygate fr’m Chiny.  Cries iv ‘No, no.’  ’Is it war to hook me father’s best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid away to escape th’ attintions iv Europeen sojery?’ he says.  ’Is robbery war?’ says he.  ‘Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,’ says th’ English dillygate.  ‘F’r th’ purpose iv enfoorcin’ a moral example,’ he says.

“‘Well,’ says old Wow Chow, ‘I’d like to be able to go back home an’ tell thim what war really is.  A few years back ye sint a lot iv young men over to our part iv th’ wurruld an’ without sayin’ with ye’er leave or by ye’er leave they shot us an’ they hung us up be our psyche knots an’ they burned down our little bamboo houses.  Thin they wint up to Pekin, set fire to th’ town, an’ stole ivry thing in sight.  I just got out iv th’ back dure in time to escape a jab in th’ spine fr’m a German that I niver see befure.  If it hadn’t been that whin I was a boy I won th’ hundred yards at th’ University iv Slambang in two hours an’ forty minyits, an’ if it hadn’t happened that I was lightly dhressed in a summer overskirt an’ a thin blouse, an’ if th’ German hadn’t stopped to steal me garters, I wudden’t be here at this moment,’ says he.  ’Was that war or wasn’t it?’ he says.  ‘It was an expedition,’ says th’ dillygate fr’m England, ‘to serve th’ high moral jooties iv Christyan civvylization.’  ‘Thin,’ says th’ dillygate fr’m Chiny, puttin’ on his hat, ‘I’m f’r war,’ he says.  ‘It ain’t so rough,’ he says.  An’ he wint home.”

TURKISH POLITICS