“My aunt seen a ghost wanst,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“Ivrybody’s aunt has seen a ghost,” said Mr. Dooley.

BOOKS

“Well, sir, if there’s wan person in th’ wurruld that I really invy ’tis me frind th’ ex-Prisidint iv Harvard.  What a wondherful thing is youth.  Old fellows like ye’ersilf an’ me make a bluff about th’ advantages iv age.  But we know there’s nawthin’ in it.  We have wisdom, but we wud rather have hair.  We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv its lessons f’r hope an’ teeth.

“It makes me cross to see mesilf settin’ here takin’ a post grajate coorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th’ Wicked Wur-ruld an’ watchin’ th’ freshmen comin’ in.  How happy they are, but how seeryous.  How sure they are iv ivrything.  Us old fellows are sure iv nawthin’; we laugh but we are not cheerful; we have no romance about th’ colledge.  Ye don’t hear us givin’ nine long cheers f’r our almy matther.  We ain’t even thankful f’r th’ lessons it teaches us or th’ wallops it hands us whin we f’rget what we’ve been taught.  We’re a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin’ th’ school, but hatin’ th’ grajation exercises aven more.

“But ‘tis a rale pleasure to see th’ bright faced freshmen comin’ in an’ I welcome th’ last young fellow fr’m Harvard to our vin’rable institution.  I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed la-ads comin’ in to waken th’ echoes iv our grim walls with their young voices.  I’m sure th’ other undhergrajates will like him.  He hasn’t been spoiled be bein’ th’ star iv his school f’r so long, Charles seems to me to be th’ normal healthy boy.  He does exactly what all freshmen in our university do whin they enther.  He tells people what books they shud read an’ he invints a new relligon.  Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things out iv his system at wanst.  What books does he advise, says ye?  I haven’t got th’ complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good.  Speakin’ fr mesilf alone, I don’t read books.  They are too stimylatin’.  I can get th’ same wrong idees iv life fr’m dhrink.  But I shud say that if a man was a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden’t go to sleep without takin’ a book an’ if he read befure breakfast, I shud think that Doctor Eliot’s very old vatted books are comparatively harmless.  They are sthrong it is thrue.  They will go to th’ head.  I wud advise a man who is aisily affected be books to stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter.  But they will hurt no man who’s used to readin’.  He has sawed thim out carefully.  ‘Give me me tools,’ says he, ‘an’ I will saw out a five-foot shelf iv books.’  An’ he done it.  He has th’ right idee.  He real-izes that th’ first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.  Fr’m time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.  But th’ shelf is th’ main thing.  Otherwise th’ libry may get mixed up with readin’ matther on th’ table.  Th’ shelf shud thin be nailed to th’ wall iliven feet fr’m th’ flure an’ hermetically sealed.