“But, as he tells me, ye can’t stop people from takin’ dhrugs an’ ye might as well give thim something that will look important enough to be inthrojuced to their important an’ fatal cold in th’ head.  If ye don’t, they’ll leap f’r the patent medicines.  Mind ye, I haven’t got annything to say again patent medicines.  If a man wud rather take thim thin dhrink at a bar or go down to Hop Lung’s f’r a long dhraw, he’s within his rights.  Manny a man have I known who was a victim iv th’ tortures iv a cigareet cough who is now livin’ comfortable an’ happy as an opeem fiend be takin’ Doctor Wheezo’s Consumption Cure.  I knew a fellow wanst who suffered fr’m spring fever to that extent that he niver did a day’s wurruk.  To-day, afther dhrinkin’ a bottle of Gazooma, he will go home not on’y with th’ strenth but th’ desire to beat his wife.  There is a dhrug store on ivry corner an’ they’re goin’ to dhrive out th’ saloons onless th’ govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaine or chloral in our cough-drops an’ advertise that it will cure spinal minigitis.  An’ it will, too, f’r awhile.”

“Don’t ye iver take dhrugs?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Niver whin I’m well,” said Mr. Dooley.  “Whin I’m sick, I’m so sick I’d take annything.”

A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP

“Hogan was in here just now,” said Mr. Dooley, “an’ he tells me he was talkin’ with th’ Alderman an’ they both agreed we’re sure to have war with th’ Japs inside iv two years.  They can see it comin’.  Befure very long thim little brown hands acrost th’ sea will hand us a crack in th’ eye an’ thin ye’ll see throuble.”

“What’s it all about?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Divvle a thing can I make out iv it,” said Mr. Dooley.  “Hogan says we’ve got to fight f’r th’ supreemacy iv th’ Passyfic.  Much fightin’ I’d do f’r an ocean, but havin’ taken th’ Philippeens, which ar-re a blamed nuisance, an th’ Sandwich Islands, that’re about as vallyable as a toy balloon to a horse-shoer, we’ve got to grab a lot iv th’ surroundin’ dampness to protect thim.  That’s wan reason why we’re sure to have war.  Another reason is that th’ Japs want to sind their little forty-five-year-old childher to be iddycated in th’ San Francisco public schools.  A third reason why it looks like war to Hogan an’ th’ Alderman is that they’d been dhrinkin’ together.

“Wud ye iver have thought ’twas possible that anny wan in this counthry cud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little Oryentals?  Why, ‘tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin’ home fr’m th’ bankit iv th’ Union iv Usurers with his arms around th’ top iv a Jap’s head while th’ Jap clutched Hogan affectionately about th’ waist an’ they sung ‘Gawd Save th’ Mickydoo.’  D’ye raymimber how we hollered with joy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his foot through th’ bottom iv a man-iv-war an’ sunk it.  An’ how we cheered in th’ theaytre to see th’ cute little sojers iv th’ Mickydoo mowin’