Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 221 pages of information about Mr. Dooley.

Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 221 pages of information about Mr. Dooley.
be to the saints,’ he says, ‘what an injaynious thribe these Yankees is!’ says he.  ‘On’y a few weeks ago they thried to desthroy me be dumpin’ a load iv coal on me,’ he says; ‘an’ now,’ he says, ‘they’re goin’ to smother me in feed,’ he says.  ‘They’ll be rollin’ bar’ls iv flour on me fr’m th’ heights next,’ he says.  ‘I’d betther get out,’ he says.  ‘’Tis far nobler,’ he says, ‘to purrish on th’ ragin’ main,’ he says, ‘thin to die with ye’er lungs full iv hayseed an’ ye’er eyes full iv dust,’ he says.  ‘I was born in a large city,’ he says; ‘an’ I don’t know th’ rules iv th’ barn,’ he says.  An’ he wint out, an’ took his lickin’.

“‘Twas too bad Shafter didn’t get a chanst at him, but he’s give th’ tip to th’ la-ads that makes th’ boats.  No more ixpinsive steel an’ ir’n, but good ol’ grass fr’m th’ twinty-acre meadow.  Th’ ship-yards ‘ll be moved fr’m th’ say, an’ laid down in th’ neighborhood iv Polo, Illinye, an’ all th’ Mississippi Valley ‘ll ring with th’ sound iv th’ scythe an’ th’ pitchfork buildin’ th’ definse iv our counthry’s honor.  Thank th’ Lord, we’ve winrows an’ winrows iv Shafter’s armor plate between here an’ Dubuque.”

Mr. Hennessy said good-night.  “As me cousin used to say,” he remarked, “we’re through with wan hell iv a bad year, an’ here goes f’r another like it.”

“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “may th’ Lord niver sind us a foolisher wan than this!”

THE PERFORMANCES OF LIEUTENANT HOBSON.

“If I’d been down to th’ Audjitooroom th’ other night,” said Mr. Hennessy, “an’ had a chunk iv coal fr’m th’ sunk ‘Merrimac,’ I’d iv handed it to that man Loot Hobson.  I wud so.  Th’ idee iv a hero standin’ up befure thousan’s iv men with fam’lies an’ bein’ assaulted be ondacint females.  It med me blush down to th’ soles iv me feet.  If they let this thing go on, be hivins, why do they stop th’ hootchy-kootchy?”

“Ividinces iv affection is always odjious to an Irishman,” said Mr. Dooley, “an’ to all reel affectionate people.  But me frind Hobson’s not to blame.  ‘Tis th’ way th’ good Lord has iv makin’ us cow’rds continted with our lot that he niver med a brave man yet that wasn’t half a fool.  I’ve more sinse an’ wisdom in th’ back iv me thumb thin all th’ heroes in th’ wurruld.  That’s why I ain’t a hero.  If Hobson had intilligence, he’d be wurrukin’ in th’ post-office; an’, if anny ol’ hin thried to kiss him, he’d call f’r th’ polis.  Bein’ young an’ foolish, whin me frind Sampson says, ’Is there anny man here that ’ll take this ol’ coal barge in beyant an’ sink it, an’ save us th’ throuble iv dhrownin’ on our way home?’ Loot Hobson says, says he:  ‘Here I am, Cap,’ says he.  ‘I’ll take it in,’ he says, ‘an’ seal up th’ hated Castiles,’ he says, ‘so that they can niver get out,’ he says.  ‘But,’ he says, ’I’ll lave a hole f’r thim to get out whin they want to get out,’ he says.  An’ he tuk some other la-ads,—­I f’rget their names,—­they wasn’t heroes, annyhow,

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Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.