“An’ there it stands, Hinnissy, with th’ indulgent parent kneelin’ on th’ stomach iv his adopted child, while a dillygation fr’m Boston bastes him with an umbrella.  There it stands, an’ how will it come out I dinnaw.  I’m not much iv an expansionist mesilf.  F’r th’ las’ tin years I’ve been thryin’ to decide whether ‘twud be good policy an’ thrue to me thraditions to make this here bar two or three feet longer, an’ manny’s th’ night I’ve laid awake tryin’ to puzzle it out.  But I don’t know what to do with th’ Ph’lippeens anny more thin I did las’ summer, befure I heerd tell iv thim.  We can’t give thim to anny wan without makin’ th’ wan that gets thim feel th’ way Doherty felt to Clancy whin Clancy med a frindly call an’ give Doherty’s childher th’ measles.  We can’t sell thim, we can’t ate thim, an’ we can’t throw thim into th’ alley whin no wan is lookin’.  An’ ’twud be a disgrace f’r to lave befure we’ve pounded these frindless an’ ongrateful people into insinsibility.  So I suppose, Hinnissy, we’ll have to stay an’ do th’ best we can, an’ lave Andhrew Carnegie secede fr’m th’ Union.  They’se wan consolation; an’ that is, if th’ American people can govern thimsilves, they can govern annything that walks.”

“An’ what ’d ye do with Aggy—­what-d’ye-call-him?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Well,” Mr. Dooley replied, with brightening eyes, “I know what they’d do with him in this ward.  They’d give that pathrite what he asks, an’ thin they’d throw him down an’ take it away fr’m him.”

A HERO WHO WORKED OVERTIME.

“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “it looks now as if they was nawthin’ left f’r me young frind Aggynaldoo to do but time.  Like as not a year fr’m now he’ll be in jail, like Napoleon, th’ impror iv th’ Fr-rinch, was in his day, an’ Mike, th’ Burglar, an’ other pathrites.  That’s what comes iv bein’ a pathrite too long.  ’Tis a good job, whin they’se nawthin’ else to do; but ‘tis not th’ thing to wurruk overtime at.  ‘Tis a sort iv out-iv-dure spoort that ye shud engage in durin’ th’ summer vacation; but, whin a man carries it on durin’ business hours, people begin to get down on him, an’ afther a while they’re ready to hang him to get him out iv th’ way.  As Hogan says, ‘Th’ las’ thing that happens to a pathrite he’s a scoundhrel.’

“Las’ summer there wasn’t a warmer pathrite annywhere in our imperyal dominions thin this same Aggynaldoo.  I was with him mesilf.  Says I:  ‘They’se a good coon,’ I says.  ‘He’ll help us f’r to make th’ Ph’lippeens indepindint on us f’r support,’ I says; ‘an’, whin th’ blessin’s iv civilization has been extinded to his beloved counthry, an’,’ I says, ‘they put up intarnal rivinue offices an’ post-offices,’ I says, ‘we’ll give him a good job as a letter-carrier,’ I says, ‘where he won’t have annything to do,’ I says, ‘but walk,’ I says.