But Chalmerson hasn’t done much.  No, Chalmerson is rather of a failure.  He plays on the guitar and sings love-songs.  Not that he is a bad man—­a kinder-hearted creature never lived, and they say he hasn’t yet got over crying for his little curly-haired sister who died ever so long ago.  But he knows nothing about business, politics, the world, and those things.  He is dull at trade—­indeed, it is the common remark that “Everybody cheats Chalmerson.”  He came to the party the other evening and brought his guitar.  They wouldn’t have him for a tenor in the opera, certainly, for he is shaky in his upper notes; but if his simple melodies didn’t gush straight from the heart! why, even my trained eyes were wet!  And although some of the girls giggled, and some of the men seemed to pity him, I could not help fancying that poor Chalmerson was nearer heaven than any of us all.

Copyrighted by G. W. Dillingham and Company.

MR. PEPPER

From ‘Artemus Ward:  His Travels’

My arrival at Virginia City was signalized by the following incident:—­

I had no sooner achieved my room in the garret of the International Hotel than I was called upon by an intoxicated man, who said he was an Editor.  Knowing how rare it is for an Editor to be under the blighting influence of either spirituous or malt liquors, I received this statement doubtfully.  But I said: 

“What name?”

“Wait!” he said, and went out.

I heard him pacing unsteadily up and down the hall outside.

In ten minutes he returned, and said, “Pepper!”

Pepper was indeed his name.  He had been out to see if he could remember it, and he was so flushed with his success that he repeated it joyously several times, and then, with a short laugh, he went away.

I had often heard of a man being “so drunk that he didn’t know what town he lived in,” but here was a man so hideously inebriated that he didn’t know what his name was.

I saw him no more, but I heard from him.  For he published a notice of my lecture, in which he said that I had a dissipated air!

HORACE GREELEY’S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE

From ‘Artemus Ward:  His Travels’

When Mr. Greeley was in California, ovations awaited him at every town.  He had written powerful leaders in the Tribune in favor of the Pacific Railroad, which had greatly endeared him to the citizens of the Golden State.  And therefore they made much of him when he went to see them.

At one town the enthusiastic populace tore his celebrated white coat to pieces and carried the pieces home to remember him by.