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This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 402 pages of information about Bracebridge Hall, or The Humorists.

These dogs are full of elegant ailments, unknown to vulgar dogs; and are petted and nursed by Lady Lillycraft with the tenderest kindness.  They are pampered and fed with delicacies by their fellow-minion, the page; but their stomachs are often weak and out of order, so that they cannot eat; though I have now and then seen the page give them a mischievous pinch, or thwack over the head, when his mistress was not by.  They have cushions for their express use, on which they lie before the fire, and yet are apt to shiver and moan if there is the least draught of air.  When any one enters the room, they make a most tyrannical barking that is absolutely deafening.  They are insolent to all the other dogs of the establishment.  There is a noble stag-hound, a great favourite of the Squire’s, who is a privileged visitor to the parlour; but the moment he makes his appearance, these intruders fly at him with furious rage; and I have admired the sovereign indifference and contempt with which he seems to look down upon his puny assailants.  When her ladyship drives out, these dogs are generally carried with her to take the air; when they look out of each window of the carriage, and bark at all vulgar pedestrian dogs.  These dogs are a continual source of misery to the household as they are always in the way, they every now and then get their toes trod on, and then there is a yelping on their part, and a loud lamentation on the part of their mistress, that fills the room with clamour and confusion.

Lastly, there is her ladyship’s waiting-gentlewoman, Mrs. Hannah, a prim, pragmatical old maid; one of the most intolerable and intolerant virgins that ever lived.  She has kept her virtue by her until it has turned sour, and now every word and look smacks of verjuice.  She is the very opposite to her mistress, for one hates, and the other loves, all mankind.  How they first came together I cannot imagine; but they have lived together for many years; and the abigail’s temper being tart and encroaching, and her ladyship’s easy and yielding, the former has got the complete upper hand, and tyrannizes over the good lady in secret.

Lady Lillycraft now and then complains of it, in great confidence, to her friends, but hushes up the subject immediately, if Mrs. Hannah makes her appearance.  Indeed, she has been so accustomed to be attended by her, that she thinks she could not do without her; though one great study of her life, is to keep Mrs. Hannah in good-humour, by little presents and kindnesses.

Master Simon has a most devout abhorrence, mingled with awe, for this ancient spinster.  He told me the other day, in a whisper, that she was a cursed brimstone—­in fact, he added another epithet, which I would not repeat for the world.  I have remarked, however, that he is always extremely civil to her when they meet.

READY-MONEY JACK.

  My purse, it is my privy wyfe,
  This song I dare both syng and say,
  It keepeth men from grievous stryfe
  When every man for himself shall pay. 
  As I ryde in ryche array
  For gold and silver men wyll me floryshe;
  But thys matter I dare well saye,
  Every gramercy myne own purse.

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