THE MONIMENT

I don’t know hardly ef it’s good or bad,—­

THE BRIDGE

At wust, it can’t be wus than wut we’ve had. 80

THE MONIMENT

You know them envys thet the Rebbles sent,
An’ Cap’n Wilkes he borried o’ the Trent?

THE BRIDGE

Wut! they ha’n’t hanged ’em? 
Then their wits is gone! 
Thet’s the sure way to make a goose a swan!

THE MONIMENT

No:  England she would hev ’em, Fee, Faw, Fum! (Ez though she hedn’t fools enough to home,) So they’ve returned ’em—­

THE BRIDGE

Hev they?  Wal, by heaven, Thet’s the wust news I’ve heerd sence Seventy-seven! By George, I meant to say, though I declare It’s ’most enough to make a deacon swear. 90

THE MONIMENT

Now don’t go off half-cock:  folks never gains By usin’ pepper-sarse instid o’ brains.  Come, neighbor, you don’t understan’—­

THE BRIDGE

How?  Hey? 
Not understan’?  Why, wut’s to hender, pray? 
Must I go huntin’ round to find a chap
To tell me when my face hez hed a slap?

THE MONIMENT

See here:  the British they found out a flaw
In Cap’n Wilkes’s readin’ o’ the law: 
(They make all laws, you know, an’ so, o’ course,
It’s nateral they should understan’ their force:) 100
He’d oughto ha’ took the vessel into port,
An’ hed her sot on by a reg’lar court;
She was a mail-ship, an’ a steamer, tu,
An’ thet, they say, hez changed the pint o’ view,
Coz the old practice, bein’ meant for sails,
Ef tried upon a steamer, kind o’ fails;
You may take out despatches, but you mus’n’t
Take nary man—­

THE BRIDGE

You mean to say, you dus’n’t! 
Changed pint o’view!  No, no,—­it’s overboard
With law an’ gospel, when their ox is gored! 110
I tell ye, England’s law, on sea an’ land,
Hez ollers ben, ‘I’ve gut the heaviest hand.’ 
Take nary man?  Fine preachin’ from her lips! 
Why, she hez taken hunderds from our ships,
An’ would agin, an’ swear she had a right to,
Ef we warn’t strong enough to be perlite to. 
Of all the sarse thet I can call to mind,
England doos make the most onpleasant kind: 
It’s you’re the sinner ollers, she’s the saint;
Wut’s good’s all English, all thet isn’t ain’t; 120
Wut profits her is ollers right an’ just,
An’ ef you don’t read Scriptur so, you