DRAMATIS PERSONAE

John Beal
Mary Beal
Liza
Ali
Bert, Bill:  two railway porters
the man in the corner
Miralda Clement
Hafiz el Alcolahn
Daoud
Archie Beal
Bazzalol, Thoothoobaba:  two Nubian door-keepers
Ben Hussein, Lord of the Pass
Zabnool, Shabeesh:  two conjurers
Omar, a singer
ZAGBOOLA, mother of Hafiz
the sheik of the Bishareens

Notables, soldiers, Bishareens, dancers, etc.

IF

ACT I

SCENE 1

A small railway station near London. 
Time:  Ten years ago.

BERT

’Ow goes it, Bill?

BILL

Goes it?  ’Ow d’yer think it goes?

BERT

I don’t know, Bill.  ’Ow is it?

BILL

Bloody.

BERT

Why?  What’s wrong?

BILL

Wrong?  Nothing ain’t wrong.

BERT

What’s up then?

BILL

Nothing ain’t right.

BERT

Why, wot’s the worry?

BILL

Wot’s the worry?  They don’t give you better wages nor a dog, and then they thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes, like.

BERT

Why?  You been on the carpet, Bill?

BILL

Ain’t I!  Proper.

BERT

Why, wot about, Bill?

BILL

Wot about?  I’ll tell yer.  Just coz I let a lidy get into a train.  That’s wot about.  Said I ought to ’av stopped ’er.  Thought the train was moving.  Thought it was dangerous.  Thought I tried to murder ’er, I suppose.

BERT

Wot?  The other day?

BILL

Yes.

BERT

Tuesday?

BILL