TO C.S.

Rome, Jan. 12, 1848.—­My time in Lombardy and Switzerland was a series of beautiful pictures, dramatic episodes, not without some original life in myself.  When I wrote to you from Como, I had a peaceful season.  I floated on the lake with my graceful Polish countess, hearing her stories of heroic sorrow; or I walked in the delicious gardens of the villas, with many another summer friend.  Red banners floated, children sang and shouted, the lakes of Venus and Diana glittered in the sun.  The pretty girls of Bellaggio, with their coral necklaces, brought flowers to the “American countess,” and “hoped she would be as happy as she deserved.”  Whether this cautious wish is fulfilled, I know not, but certainly I left all the glitter of life behind at Como.

My days at Milan were not unmarked.  I have known some happy hours, but they all lead to sorrow; and not only the cups of wine, but of milk, seem drugged with poison for me.  It does not seem to be my fault, this Destiny; I do not court these things,—­they come.  I am a poor magnet, with power to be wounded by the bodies I attract.

Leaving Milan, I had a brilliant day in Parma.  I had not known Correggio before; he deserves all his fame.  I stood in the parlor of the Abbess, the person for whom all was done, and Paradise seemed opened by the nymph, upon her car of light, and the divine children peeping through the vines.  Sweet soul of love!  I should weary of you, too; but it was glorious that day.

I had another good day, too, crossing the Apennines.  The young crescent moon rose in orange twilight, just as I reached the highest peak.  I was alone on foot; I heard no sound; I prayed.

At Florence, I was very ill.  For three weeks, my life hung upon a thread.  The effect of the Italian climate on my health is not favorable.  I feel as if I had received a great injury.  I am tired and woe-worn; often, in the bed, I wish I could weep my life away.  However, they brought me gruel, I took it, and after a while rose up again.  In the time of the vintage, I went alone to Sienna.  This is a real untouched Italian place.  This excursion, and the grapes, restored me at that time.

When I arrived in Rome, I was at first intoxicated to be here.  The weather was beautiful, and many circumstances combined to place me in a kind of passive, childlike well-being.  That is all over now, and, with this year, I enter upon a sphere of my destiny so difficult, that I, at present, see no way out, except through the gate of death.  It is useless to write of it; you are at a distance and cannot help me;—­whether accident or angel will, I have no intimation.  I have no reason to hope I shall not reap what I have sown, and do not.  Yet how I shall endure it I cannot guess; it is all a dark, sad enigma.  The beautiful forms of art charm no more, and a love, in which there is all fondness, but no help, flatters in vain.  I am all alone; nobody around me sees any of this.  My numerous friendly acquaintances are troubled if they see me ill, and who so affectionate and kind as Mr. and Mrs. S.?