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Table of Contents | |
Section | Page |
Start of eBook | 1 |
Title: More Goops and How Not to Be Them | 1 |
MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM | 1 |
MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM | 1 |
NEW YORK | 1 |
COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY GELETT BURGESS | 1 |
Author: Gelett Burgess
Release Date: July 23, 2004 [EBook #13004]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ASCII
*** Start of this project gutenberg EBOOK more Goops and how not to be them ***
Produced by Internet Archive’s Children’s Library. David Garcia, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
By Gelett Burgess
[Illustration]
Books by Gelett Burgess
VIVETTE; or the Memoirs of
the Romance Association. Small, Maynard
& Co., Boston. 152 pp. 8vo.
$1.25
A Gage of Youth;
Poems, chiefly from the “Lark.” 58 pp.
Small 8vo.
Small, Maynard & Co., Boston.
$1.00
The Romance of
the commonplace; A Collection of Essays upon
the
Romantic View of Life. 152
pp. Small 4to. Elder & Shepard, San
Francisco. $1.50
The Lively City
O’ LIGG; A Cycle of Modern Fairy Tales for City
Children. With 53 illustrations
(8 in color) by the Author.
Frederick A. Stokes Co., New
York. 210 pp. Small 4to. $1.50.
Boards, $1.00
The Burgess nonsense book; Being a complete Collection of the Humorous Masterpieces of Gelett Burgess, Esq. With 196 illustrations by the Author. 239 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. Cloth, $2.00 net. Boards, $1.25
Goops, and How to Be
Them; A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants.
With 90 illustrations by the
Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New
York. 88 pp. 5th edition.
Small 4to. $1.50
More Goops, and
How Not to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for
Impolite Infants. With
90 illustrations by the Author. 88 pp.
Small 4to. Frederick
A. Stokes Co., New York. $1.50
A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants Depicting the Characteristics of Many Naughty and Thoughtless Children With Instructive Illustrations
By Gelett Burgess
Frederick A. Stokes Company
Publishers
Published September, 1903
* * * * *
[Illustration: (Ex Libris)]
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Contents]
CONTENTS
Introduction Goop! Goop! Goop! Window-Smoochers Visiting A Low Trick Picking and Stealing When to Go Loyalty “Ain’t” Indolence Nell the Nibbler The Law of Hospitality Justice The Flower Hospital A Puzzle Puppy Goops Frankness Exaggeration The Duty of the Strong Noise! Noise! Noise! Walking with Papa Stealing Rides Piano Torture Untidy Goops At Table A Goop Party How to Eat Soup Inquisitiveness Baby’s Apology Don’t Be Good In the Street Write Right! Sick Furniture Wet Feet Borrowed Plumes Dress Quickly! The Goop Picnic Danger! Book-Manners The Reason Why Poor Mother! In Goop Attire Cheating Impossible
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Introduction]
INTRODUCTION
Children, although you might expect
My manners to be quite correct
(For since I fancy I can teach,
I ought to practice what I preach),
’Tis true that I have often braved
My mother’s wrath, and misbehaved!
And almost every single rule
I broke, before I went to school!
For that is how I learned the way
To teach you etiquette to-day.
So when you chance to take a look
At all the maxims in the book,
You’ll see that most of them are
true,
I found them out, and so will you,
For if you are as Goop derided,
You may perhaps reform, as I did!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Window-Smoochers]
WINDOW-SMOOCHERS
Little Goops are marking
On the window pane;
I forbid, in vain!
Noses, when they’re greasy,
Leave a smooch so easy!
Rub it out again!
I shall have to scold them,
For I’ve often told them,
Kindly, to refrain!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: A Low Trick]
A LOW TRICK
The meanest trick I ever knew
Was one I know you never do.
I saw a Goop once try to do it,
And there was nothing funny to it.
He pulled a chair from under me
As I was sitting down; but he
Was sent to bed, and rightly, too.
It was a horrid thing to do!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: When To Go]
WHEN TO GO
When you go a-calling,
Never stay too late;
You will wear your welcome out
If you hesitate!
Just before they’re tired of you,
Just before they yawn,
Before they think you are a Goop,
And wish that you were gone,
While they’re laughing with you,
While they like you so,
While they want to keep you,—
That’s the time
to go!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: “Ain’t”]
"AIN’T"
Now “ain’t” is a word
That is very absurd
To use for an “isn’t”
or “aren’t.”
Ask Teacher about it:
She’ll say, “Do without it!”
I wish you would see if you can’t!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Nell the Nibbler]
NELL THE NIBBLER
She ate some chocolate drops at 1,
At 2, she thought she’d
take
A little jelly and a bun;
At 3, some frosted cake.
At 4, she nibbled at a roll;
At 5, a doughnut spied,
And ate it (all except the hole),
And then some cookies tried.
At 6, she didn’t feel quite right,
And didn’t care for
dinner.
She said she had no appetite,
With so much Goop-food in
her!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Justice]
JUSTICE
Whenever brother’s sent to bed,
Or punished, do not go
And peer at him and jeer at him,
And say, “I told you
so!”
Nor should you try to make him laugh
When he has been so bad;
Let him confess his naughtiness
Before you both are glad!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: A Puzzle]
A PUZZLE
There are about a thousand things
I’m not allowed to do;
Most everything I’m fondest of
I’m told is wrong—are
you?
They say, “Please don’t
do that, my child!”
They say, “You mustn’t,
dear!”
I hope sometime I’ll learn what’s
right,
For now it seems so queer!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Frankness]
FRANKNESS
When you are talking, I expect
You’d better hold your head erect!
Please look me squarely in the eye
Unless you’re telling me a lie.
For if you crouch and look askance,
Regarding me with sidelong glance,
I’ll think it is a Goop I see
Who is afraid to look at me!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: The Duty of the Strong]
THE DUTY OF THE STRONG
You who are the oldest,
You who are the tallest,
Don’t you think you ought to help
The youngest and the smallest?
You who are the strongest,
You who are the quickest,
Don’t you think you ought to help
The weakest and the sickest?
Never mind the trouble,
Help them all you can;
Be a little woman!
Be a little man!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Walking With Papa]
WALKING WITH PAPA
“Won’t you walk a little farther?”
Said a Goop to his Papa;
“It is really quite delightful,
And we haven’t travelled
far;
Wont you walk a little farther,
There’s a house I’d
like to see!
Won’t you walk a little farther,
Till we reach that cherry-tree?”
“Won’t you carry me?
I’m tired!”
Whined a Goop to his Papa;
“And my feet are sore and weary,
And we’ve gone so very
far!
Won’t you carry me? I’m
tired!
And I can’t walk
back alone!
Won’t you carry me? I’m
tired!”
And the Goop began to groan.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Piano Torture]
PIANO TORTURE
Pianos are considered toys
By Goops, and naughty girls and boys;
They pound upon the keys,
They lift the cover up, on top,
To see the little jiggers hop,
And both the pedals squeeze!
But instruments so rich and fine
(Especially if they’re not mine)
I ought to treat with care;
So when my elder sister plays
She’ll find it is in tune always,
Nor injured anywhere!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: At Table]
AT TABLE
Why is it Goops must always wish To touch each apple on the dish? Why do they never neatly fold Their napkins until they are told? Why do they play with food, and bite Such awful mouthfuls? Is it right? Why do they tilt back in their chairs? Because they’re Goops! So no one cares!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: How to Eat Soup]
HOW TO EAT SOUP
Whenever you are eating soup
Remember not to be a Goop!
And if you think to say this rhyme,
Perhaps ’twill help you every time:
Like little boats that put to sea, I push my spoon AWAY from me; I do not tilt my dish, nor scrape The last few drops, like hungry ape!
Like little boats, that, almost filled, Come back without their cargoes spilled, My spoon sails gently to my lips, Unloading from the SIDE, like ships.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Baby’s Apology]
BABY’S APOLOGY
Dear little seed, queer little seed,
Tucked into bed in the garden,
Why don’t you grow? Why, don’t
you know
Baby is asking your pardon?
Out, little seed! Sprout, little
seed!
Baby did wrong without knowing!
Hoping for you, groping for you,
To see if you really were
growing.
Break, little seed! Wake, little
seed!
Baby will watch and not harm you.
Everything’s bright, everything’s
right,
Nothing is here to alarm you.
Dress, little seed! Yes, little seed,
Fold your green leaflets around
you;
There, little seed! Fair little
seed,
Baby’s so glad
he has found you!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: In the Street]
IN THE STREET
Peelings on the sidewalk,
Apple-cores and all,
Kick them in the gutter;
Save some one a fall!
Barrel hoops, glass, and cans,
And wires in the street,
Kick them in the gutter;
You’ll save some horse’s
feet!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Sick Furniture]
SICK FURNITURE
Sitting on the table,
Standing on the chairs,
That’s the way the legs are broken
and the cushion tears!
How’d you like to pay the bill for
varnish and repairs?
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Borrowed Plumes]
BORROWED PLUMES
Don’t try on the wraps,
The bonnets and caps
Of company coming to call!
Admire, if you please,
But garments like these
Should always feel safe in
the hall!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: The Goop Picnic]
THE GOOP PICNIC
They came to the best sort of place for
a rest,
On the grass, with the trees
overhead,
They sat down in a bunch and they opened
their lunch,
And they had a be-autiful
spread!
And when they were done, and they’d
had all their fun,
They proved they were Goops,
or were blind;
For they picked up their wraps and they
left all their scraps
For the next picnic
party to find!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Book Manners]
BOOK-MANNERS
If you scribble on your books,
How disgustable it looks!
Here a word, and there a scrawl,
Silly pictures over all!
Take a paper, or a slate,
If you want to decorate!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Poor Mother!]
POOR MOTHER!
Oh! Isn’t it shocking!
Just look at your stocking!
Just look at your brand new
boots!
Your waist is all torn
And your trousers are worn—
Just look at the holes
in your suits!
Your father is working
All day, without shirking,
To pay for the clothes that
you wear;
Your mother is mending
All day, and attending
To you, with the kindest of
care.
And so, while you’re playing,
Think of father, who’s paying,
And mother, who’s working
so hard;
While you kneel on your knees,
Or climb up the trees,
Or make your mud pies in the
yard!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Cheating]
CHEATING
I thought I saw a little Goop
Who didn’t pay his fare;
I looked again; the passengers
Were gazing at him, there.
“They think that he’s a thief!”
I said;
“I wonder does he care?”
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Goop! Goop! Goop!]
GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!
Goop! Goop! Goop!
I wish you’d wash your
face!
Goop! Goop! Goop!
Your hands are a disgrace!
Goop! Goop! Goop!
Put things back in their place!
I wish you were polite,
Instead of a
Goop! Goop! Goop!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Visiting]
VISITING
When a Goop goes out to visit,
’T isn’t very pleasant, is
it,
To hear him ask his friends
for things to eat?
And to hear the little sinner
Say he wants to stay to dinner
Is a piece of impoliteness
hard to beat!
“Mother said that I could stay
If you asked me!” is the
way
That a Goop will make them
ask him to remain.
It is better to be slighted
Than to stay when not invited,
For they never ask
a Goop to come again!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Picking and Stealing]
PICKING and STEALING
When you are fetching bread, I trust
You never nibble at the crust
When in the kitchen, do you linger
And pinch the cookies with your finger?
Or do you peck the frosted cake?
Don’t do it, please, for Mother’s
sake!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Loyalty]
LOYALTY
Mother’s found your mischief out!
What are you going to do?
Cry and sulk, or kick and shout?
Tell your mother all about
Brother’s mischief,
too?
Or,
Take your punishment, and say,
“I’ll be better,
now!”
Never mind the horrid way
Brother treated you, at play;
Don’t tell it, anyhow!
It is the Goops, who have no shame,
Who say, “’Twas some one
else to blame!”
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Indolence]
INDOLENCE
There was a Goop who lay in bed Till half-past eight, the sleepy-head! He couldn’t find his stockings, for He’d thrown them somewhere on the floor! He couldn’t find his reading-book; He had forgotten where to look! His breakfast grew so very cold, This lazy Goop began to scold; And then he blamed his mother, kind! “You made me late to school!” he whined.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: The Law of Hospitality]
THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY
There is a very simple rule
That every one should know;
You may not hear of it in school,
But everywhere you go,
In every land where people dwell,
And men are good and true,
You’ll find they understand it well,
And so I’ll tell it
you:
To every one who gives me food,
Or shares his home with me,
I owe a debt of gratitude,
And I must loyal be.
I may not laugh at him, or say
Of him a word unkind;
His friendliness I must repay,
And to his faults be blind!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: The Flower Hospital]
THE FLOWER HOSPITAL
I dreamed I found a sunlit room
Filled with a delicate perfume,
Where, moaning their sweet lives away,
A thousand lovely flowers lay.
They drooped, so pale, and wan, and weak,
With hardly strength enough to speak,
With stems so crushed and leaves so torn
It was too dreadful to be borne!
And one white lily raised her head
From off her snowy flower bed.
And sighed, “Please tell the
children, oh!
They should not treat the flowers so!
They plucked us when we were so gay,
And then they threw us all away
To wither in the sun all day!
We all must fade, but we’ll forgive
If they’ll let other flowers live!”
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Puppy Goops]
PUPPY GOOPS
Candy in the cushions
Of the easy-chair;
Raisins in the sofa—
How did they get there?
The little Goop who’s greedy
Does it every day,
Like a little puppy,
Hiding bones away!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Exaggeration]
EXAGGERATION
Don’t try to tell a story
To beat the one you’ve
heard;
For if you try, you’re apt to lie,
And that would be absurd!
Don’t try to be more funny
Than any one in school;
For if you’re not, they’ll
laugh a lot,
And think you are a fool!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Noise! Noise! Noise!]
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Do you slam the door?
Do you drag your feet?
Making noise enough for four
Hundred thousand Goops, or more,
Tearing up the street?
Clattering down the stairs,
Storming through the hall,
Pounding floors, upsetting chairs,
Do you think your father cares
For your noise, at all?
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Stealing Rides]
STEALING RIDES
I thought I saw a little Goop
Who hung behind a cart;
I looked again. He’d fallen
off!
It gave me such a start!
“If he were killed, some day,”
I said,
“’Twould break
his mother’s heart!”
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Untidy Goops]
UNTIDY GOOPS
I think you are a Goop, because
You never shut your bureau drawers,
You do not close the door!
You leave your water in the bowl,
You put your peelings in the coal!
I’ve told you that
before!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: A Goop Party]
A GOOP PARTY
“Please come to my party!”
said Jenny to Prue;
“I’m going to have Willy,
and Nelly, and you;
I’m going to have candy and cake
and ice-cream,
We’ll play Hunt-the-Slipper,
we’ll laugh and we’ll scream.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Inquisitiveness]
INQUISITIVENESS
I gave a letter to a Goop
To take to Mrs. Bird;
And what d’you think he went and
did?
He read it, every word!
Now, isn’t that the rudest thing
That you have ever heard?
Why, he would peep through keyholes,
And listen at the door!
And open parcels, just to see
What came from every store!
Now, have you ever ever heard
Of such a Goop before?
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Don’t be Good]
DON’T BE GOOD
Just because you want to go
To the circus, or the show;
But, when all your fun is o’er,
Be as good as you were before!
[Illustration: Don’t be Bad]
DON’T BE BAD
Just as long as you dare to be,
Because your mother doesn’t see.
Do not wait for her to scold,
But be just as good as gold!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Write Right!]
WRITE RIGHT!
If you were writing with your nose,
You’d have to curl up, I
suppose,
And lay your head upon your hand;
But now, I cannot understand,
For you are writing with your pen!
So sit erect, and smile again!
You need not scowl because you write,
Nor hold your fingers quite so
tight!
And if you gnaw the holder so,
They’ll take you for a Goop, you
know!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Wet Feet]
WET FEET
Down the street together,
In the rainy weather,
Went a pair of little boys
along;
One of them went straying
In the gutters playing,
Doing all his mother said
was wrong;
One of them went dashing
Into puddles splashing,
Under dripping eaves that
soaked him through;
One of them avoided
All the other boy did,
Dodging all the slimy, slushy
goo.
One of them grew chilly;
Said he felt so ill he
Knew he’d caught a cold,
and coughed a lot!
The other was so warm he
Said he liked it stormy!
Which of them was Goop, and
which was not?
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Dress Quickly!]
DRESS QUICKLY!
All your life you’ll have to dress,
Every single day (unless
You should happen to be sick),
Why not learn to do it quick?
Hang your clothes the proper way,
So you’ll find them fresh next day;
Treat them with a little care,
Fold them neatly on a chair;
So, without a bit of worry,
You can dress in quite a hurry.
Think of the slovenly Goops, before
You strew your clothing on the floor!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Danger!]
DANGER!
Ink, ink! What do you think!
You’re sure to be stained, if you
play with the ink!
You’re sure to get black, if you
play with the ink-well,
Before you begin it, just stop once, and
think well!
All over your fingers, all over your face,
All over your clothes, and all over the
place!
Your mother’ll be angry, your father’ll
say, “There!
I said not to touch it; you said you’d
take care!”
When Goops are so mischievous, they have
to drink
Forty-four dozen bottles of raven black
ink!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: The Reason Why]
THE REASON WHY
Everybody liked Ezekiel.
Why?
You could scarcely find his equal.
Why?
If he made a mistake,
He said he was wrong;
If he went on an errand,
He wasn’t gone long;
He never would bully,
Although he was strong!
Everybody hated Mello.
Why?
He was such a surly fellow.
Why?
If you asked him for candy,
He’d hide his away;
He never would play
What the rest wished to play;
He would say horrid words
That he oughtn’t to
say!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: In Goop Attire]
IN GOOP ATTIRE
I’ll make you a dress of a towel,
And trim it all over with
soap,
With a sponge for a hat
And a wet one, at that!
And then you’ll
be happy, I hope!
You may act like a Goop, if you please,
In garments constructed like these!
But now, while you’re dressed up
so neatly,
Don’t wipe off your
hands on your frock!
The smooching that lingers
When you wipe off your fingers,
Will give your dear mother
a shock!
The result will be even more shocking,
If you wipe off your shoes on your stocking!
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Impossible!]
IMPOSSIBLE!
There once was a Goop (it is hard to
believe
Such unpleasant behavior of
you!)
Who always was wiping his nose on his
sleeve;
I hope that this Goop wasn’t
you!
He always was spitting (for fun, I suppose),
I couldn’t believe,
it of you!
And putting his fingers up into his nose;
I KNOW that this Goop wasn’t
you!
[Illustration]