“Are you going to give all that to the waiter?”

In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied: 

“No, take some.”

“A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you’re afraid he won’t like not being paid for something you haven’t asked him to do.”—­The Bailie, Glasgow.

TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY

An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends.  At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper.  The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.

While seated at the table scarcely a moment’s peace did she grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him.  It was “My Lord, will you have some of this?” and “My Lord, do try that,” “Take a piece of this, my Lord,” until the meal was nearly finished.

The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother said: 

“Say, Ma, God wants a pickle.”

Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean’s door, and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say:  “The boy, my Lord.”  According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked:  “Who is there?” Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered:  “The Lord, my boy.”

“How did he get his title of colonel?”

“He got it to distinguish him from his wife’s first husband, who was a captain, and his wife’s second husband, who was a major.”

For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their titles.—­Machiavelli.

I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an “Honest Man.”—­George Washington.

TOASTS

See Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.

TOBACCO

“Tobaccy wanst saved my life,” said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker.  “How was that?” inquired his companion.  “Ye see, I was diggin’ a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in.”

See also Smoking.

TOURISTS

See Liars; Travelers.

TRADE UNIONS

CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE—­“Is this the place where you are happy all the time?”

ST. PETER (proudly)—­“It is, sir.”

“Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day.”