SPRING

  In the spring the housemaid’s fancy
    Lightly turns from pot and pan
  To the greater necromancy
    Of a young unmarried man. 
  You can hold her through the winter,
    And she’ll work around and sing,
  But it’s just as good as certain
    She will marry in the spring.

  It is easy enough to look pleasant,
  When the spring comes along with a rush;
    But the fellow worth-while
    Is the one who can smile
  When he slips and sits down in the slush.

  —­Leslie Van Every.

STAMMERING

One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those about him.

“Don’t you like the show?”

“Yes, indeed!”

“Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?”

“Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n’t h-hissing!  I w-was s-s-im-ply s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb.”

A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten difficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly, “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.”  His friends congratulated him upon this splendid achievement.

“Yes,” said the man doubtfully, “but it’s s-s-such a d-d-deucedly d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-nary c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y’ know.”

STATESMEN

A statesman is a deal politician.—­Mr. Dooley.

A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then jumps in front and yells like blazes.

STATISTICS

An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement: 

“Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase.  It is becoming more prevalent daily.  I can prove it to you by statistics.”

PATIENT—­“Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I’ll pull through?”

DOCTOR—­“Oh, you’re bound to get well—­you can’t help yourself. The Medical Record shows that out of one hundred cases like yours, one per cent invariably recovers.  I’ve treated ninety-nine cases, and every one of them died.  Why, man alive, you can’t die if you try!  There’s no humbug in statistics.”

STEAK

“Can I get a steak here and catch the one o’clock train?”

“It depends on your teeth, sir.”

STEAM

“Can you tell what steam is?” asked the examiner.

“Why, sure, sir,” replied Patrick confidently.  “Steam is—­Why—­er—­it’s wather thos’s gone crazy wid the heat.”

STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS