APPLICANT—–­“No, ma’am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room.”

MISTRESS—­“Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby.  I hope you will remember my objection to such things.”

NORA—­“Sure, ma’am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin’ yer baby whin I’m around.”

See also Gratitude; Recommendations.

SHOPPING

CLERK—­“Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon?  My wife wants me to go shopping with her.”

EMPLOYER—­“Certainly not.  We are much too busy.”

CLERK—­“Thank you very much, sir.  You are very kind!”

SHYNESS

The late “lan Maclaren” (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on himself to some friends: 

“I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into the library to do some literary work.  I was very busy and looked so, I suppose.  I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young man plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap and stared at me.  I let him sit there.  An hour or more passed, and he was still there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him with a foolish, ingratiating smile.  I was inclined to be annoyed.  I had a suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer—­or an autograph-hunter.  He could wait.  But at last he rose, and still twirling his cap, he spoke: 

“’Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I’m getting deathly sick in here and I’m real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you’d like to know that just as soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the companionway stairs, and I guess she hurt herself pretty badly.’”

SIGNS

When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of “Ed. Wolcott & Bro.”  Later the partnership was dissolved.  The future senator packed his few assets, including the sign that had hung outside of his office, upon a burro and started for Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the hills.  Upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners who critically surveyed him and his outfit.  One of them, looking first at the sign that hung over the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the donkey, ventured: 

“Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?”

“Buck” Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the House of Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to prevent the minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote, was noted for his indifference to forms and rules.  Speaker Reed, annoyed by members bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the House just before opening time, had signs conspicuously posted as follows:  “No smoking on the floor of the House.”  One day just before convening the House his eagle eye detected Kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar.  Calling a page, he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas and ask him if he had not seen the signs.  After a while the page returned and seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr. Reed was irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke.  With a frown he summoned the page and asked: