See also Salesmen and Salesmanship.

ADVICE

Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of a grandmother.  One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her of his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money would be the most acceptable gift.  In her own hand she answered, sternly reproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him the practise of economy.  His reply staggered her: 

“Dear Grandma,” it ran, “thank you for your kind letter of advice.  I have sold the same for five pounds.”

Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.—­Publius Syrus.

AERONAUTICS

  A flea and a fly in a flue,
  Were imprisoned; now what could they do? 
    Said the fly, “let us flee.” 
    “Let us fly,” said the flea,
  And they flew through a flaw in the flue.

The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be aeroneous.—­La Touche Hancock.

AEROPLANES

  “Mother, may I go aeroplane?”
    “Yes, my darling Mary. 
  Tie yourself to an anchor chain
    And don’t go near the airy.”

  —­Judge.

Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast on aviation terminated neatly with these words: 

“The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming.  We can imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a sky all criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a shake of her old head and with a contented smile: 

“‘Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise.’”

  A genius who once did aspire
  To invent an aerial flyer,
    When asked, “Does it go?”
    Replied, “I don’t know;
  I’m awaiting some damphule to try ’er.”

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

A Frenchman once remarked: 

“The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour.”

  Every rose has its thorn
    There’s fuzz on all the peaches. 
  There never was a dinner yet
    Without some lengthy speeches.

Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important city.  The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, “Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now?”

“Friend,” said one immigrant to another, “this is a grand country to settle in.  They don’t hang you here for murder.”

“What do they do to you?” the other immigrant asked.