“Come and dine with us tonight,” the mandarin said graciously.

“Thank you,” said the poor relation.  “But wouldn’t tomorrow night do just as well?”

“Yes, certainly.  But where are you dining tonight?” asked the mandarin curiously.

“At your house.  You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me tonight’s invitation.”

MARION (just from the telephone)—­“He wanted to know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would.”

MADELINE—­“Who was speaking?”

MARION—­“Oh, gracious!  I forgot to ask.”

Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy.  The boys had had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite Tommy.

On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.

“Willie,” she said, “did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?”

“Yes, Mother.”

“And did he say he would not come?”

“No,” explained Willie.  “I invited him all right, but I dared him to come.”

IRISH BULLS

Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics.  One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command “Halt!” “Why,” said Mike, “when he says ‘Halt,’ you just bring the foot that’s on the ground to the side av the foot that’s in the air, an’ remain motionless.”

“Dear teacher,” wrote little Johnny’s mother, “kindly excuse John’s absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud.  By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother.”

An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather freely.  The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the Irishman excitedly remarked:  “Well, begorra, if you’re goin’ to git on I’ll git off.”

“The doctor says if ’e lasts till moring ’e’ll ’ave some ’ope, but if ’e don’t, the doctor says ’e give ’im up.”

For rent—­A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.

A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:  “Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her funeral expenses.”

A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said sharply:  “John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.  Come up here and let me give you some work.”

A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle and chewing gum.

“Mary,” exclaimed the indignant professor, “take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in.”

MAGISTRATE—­“You admit you stole the pig?”

PRISONER—­“I ’ave to.”