Toaster's Handbook eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 573 pages of information about Toaster's Handbook.

Toaster's Handbook eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 573 pages of information about Toaster's Handbook.

A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store and asked for a match.

“We only sell matches,” said the storekeeper.

“How much are they?” asked the future citizen.

“Penny a box,” was the answer.

“Gimme a box,” said the boy.

He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the counter, saying, “Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me.”

Little Ralph belonged to a family of five.  One morning he came into the house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying: 

“Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us.”

The mother, counting them, said: 

“Here is one for father, dear!  Here is one for mother!  Here is brother’s!  Here is the baby’s; but there is none for Delia, the maid.”

Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried: 

“Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I’ll live!”

She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor came to collect the fares.

Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the other, said: 

“Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I’ll pay.”

GENTLEMEN

“Sadie, what is a gentleman?”

“Please, ma’am,” she answered, “a gentleman’s a man you don’t know very well.”

Two characters in Jeffery Farnol’s “Amateur Gentleman” give these definitions of a gentleman: 

“A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn’t have to learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn’t have to work at anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs.”

“A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition....  One who possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those who are fallen—­no matter how low.”

GERMANS

The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends.  At the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.

“Quite right,” responded Heine, “but to-night I have exchanged views with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty.”

GHOSTS

“I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal to me,” Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told some friends in New York recently.  “Personally, in the course of a fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story.  Its hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.

Copyrights
Project Gutenberg
Toaster's Handbook from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.