Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock,
with a pullet, with a calf’s skin, with a hare,
with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney’s
bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s
lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain,
that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins,
bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none
in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that
is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your
legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour,
for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful
pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said
down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which
is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest
of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions
of the heart and brains. And think not that
the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian
fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia,
or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in
this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their
tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt
their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John
of Scotland, alias Scotus.
Chapter 1.XIV.
How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister.
The good man Grangousier having heard this discourse,
was ravished with admiration, considering the high
reach and marvellous understanding of his son Gargantua,
and said to his governesses, Philip, king of Macedon,
knew the great wit of his son Alexander by his skilful
managing of a horse; for his horse Bucephalus was
so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to
ride him, after that he had given to his riders such
devilish falls, breaking the neck of this man, the
other man’s leg, braining one, and putting another
out of his jawbone. This by Alexander being considered,
one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed
for the breaking and managing of great horses), he
perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded merely
from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting
on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the
shadow fell behind, and by that means tamed the horse
and brought him to his hand. Whereby his father,
knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused
him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle,
who at that time was highly renowned above all the
philosophers of Greece. After the same manner
I tell you, that by this only discourse, which now
I have here had before you with my son Gargantua,
I know that his understanding doth participate of
some divinity, and that, if he be well taught, and
have that education which is fitting, he will attain
to a supreme degree of wisdom. Therefore will
I commit him to some learned man, to have him indoctrinated
according to his capacity, and will spare no cost.
Presently they appointed him a great sophister-doctor,
called Master Tubal Holofernes, who taught him his
