How Gargantua’s wonderful understanding became
known to his father Grangousier, by the invention
of a torchecul or wipebreech.
About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning
from the conquest of the Canarians, went by the way
to see his son Gargantua. There was he filled
with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of
such a child of his: and whilst he kissed and
embraced him, he asked many childish questions of
him about divers matters, and drank very freely with
him and with his governesses, of whom in great earnest
he asked, amongst other things, whether they had been
careful to keep him clean and sweet. To this
Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course
for that himself, that in all the country there was
not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How
is that? said Grangousier. I have, answered Gargantua,
by a long and curious experience, found out a means
to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent,
and the most convenient that ever was seen. What
is that? said Grangousier, how is it? I will
tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. Once I did
wipe me with a gentle-woman’s velvet mask, and
found it to be good; for the softness of the silk
was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament.
Another time with one of their hoods, and in like
manner that was comfortable. At another time
with a lady’s neckerchief, and after that I
wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson
satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles
in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that
they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance.
Now I wish St. Antony’s fire burn the bum-gut
of the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore
them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with
a page’s cap, garnished with a feather after
the Switzers’ fashion.
Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat,
and with it I wiped my breech, but her claws were
so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my
perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning
thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother’s
gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent of the
Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage,
with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses,
with gourd-leaves, with beets, with colewort, with
leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade,
which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach
leaves. All this did very great good to my leg.
Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with
comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy,
which I healed by wiping me with my braguette.
Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet,
in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings,
with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin,
with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all
which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs
when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier,
which torchecul did you find to be the best?
I was coming to it, said Gargantua, and by-and-by
shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery
and knot of the matter. I wiped myself with
hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with
wool, with paper, but,
