Gargantua and Pantagruel eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 952 pages of information about Gargantua and Pantagruel.
be done rashly) visit Lusignan, Parthenay, Vouant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poitou.  There you will find a cloud of witnesses, not of your affidavit-men of the right stamp, but credible time out of mind, that will take their corporal oath, on Rigome’s knuckle-bone, that Melusina their founder or foundress, which you please, was woman from the head to the prick-purse, and thence downwards was a serpentine Chitterling, or if you’ll have it otherwise, a Chitterlingdized serpent.  She nevertheless had a genteel and noble gait, imitated to this very day by your hop-merchants of Brittany, in their paspie and country dances.

What do you think was the cause of Erichthonius’s being the first inventor of coaches, litters, and chariots?  Nothing but because Vulcan had begot him with Chitterlingdized legs, which to hide he chose to ride in a litter, rather than on horseback; for Chitterlings were not yet in esteem at that time.

The Scythian nymph, Ora, was likewise half woman and half Chitterling, and yet seemed so beautiful to Jupiter that nothing could serve him but he must give her a touch of his godship’s kindness; and accordingly he had a brave boy by her, called Colaxes; and therefore I would have you leave off shaking your empty noddles at this, as if it were a story, and firmly believe that nothing is truer than the gospel.

Chapter 4.XXXIX.

How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the Chitterlings.

Friar John seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to Pantagruel, Here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a pretty kind of puppet-show fight, for aught I see.  Oh! what mighty honour and wonderful glory will attend our victory!  I would have you only be a bare spectator of this fight, and for anything else leave me and my men to deal with them.  What men? said Pantagruel.  Matter of breviary, replied Friar John.  How came Potiphar, who was head-cook of Pharaoh’s kitchens, he that bought Joseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a cuckold if he had not been a Joseph; how came he, I say, to be made general of all the horse in the kingdom of Egypt?  Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadnezzar’s head-cook, chosen to the exclusion of all other captains to besiege and destroy Jerusalem?  I hear you, replied Pantagruel.  By St. Christopher’s whiskers, said Friar John, I dare lay a wager that it was because they had formerly engaged Chitterlings, or men as little valued; whom to rout, conquer, and destroy, cooks are without comparison more fit than cuirassiers and gendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and foot in the world.

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Gargantua and Pantagruel from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.