an honest woman. Marry then, in God’s name,
quoth Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, it were
the will of God, and that my destiny did unluckily
lead me to marry an honest woman who should beat me,
I would be stored with more than two third parts of
the patience of Job, if I were not stark mad by it,
and quite distracted with such rugged dealings.
For it hath been told me that those exceeding honest
women have ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore
is it that their family lacketh not for good vinegar.
Yet in that case should it go worse with me, if I
did not then in such sort bang her back and breast,
so thumpingly bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms,
legs, head, lights, liver, and milt, with her other
entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so
after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil
of hell should wait at the gate for the reception
of her damnel soul. I could make a shift for
this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and
be content to lay aside that trouble, and not to be
engaged in it.
Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel. Yea
but, quoth Panurge, considering the condition wherein
I now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark what I say,
free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were I deeply
on the score, my creditors would be but too careful
of my paternity, but being quit, and not married,
nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry towards
me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal
affection. And if by some mishap I should fall
sick, I would be looked to very waywardly. The
wise man saith, Where there is no woman—I
mean the mother of a family and wife in the union
of a lawful wedlock—the crazy and diseased
are in danger of being ill used and of having much
brabbling and strife about them; as by clear experience
hath been made apparent in the persons of popes, legates,
cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monks;
but there, assure yourself, you shall not find me.
Marry then, in the name of God, answered Pantagruel.
But if, quoth Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly
through that distemper made unable to discharge the
matrimonial duty that is incumbent to an active husband,
my wife, impatient of that drooping sickness and faint-fits
of a pining languishment, should abandon and prostitute
herself to the embraces of another man, and not only
then not help and assist me in my extremity and need,
but withal flout at and make sport of that my grievous
distress and calamity; or peradventure, which is worse,
embezzle my goods and steal from me, as I have seen
it oftentimes befall unto the lot of many other men,
it were enough to undo me utterly, to fill brimful
the cup of my misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate
reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry then, quoth Pantagruel.
Yea but, said Panurge, I shall never by any other
means come to have lawful sons and daughters, in whom
I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my name and
arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my
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