Gargantua and Pantagruel eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 952 pages of information about Gargantua and Pantagruel.
drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins, the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides, which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds of diuretic or piss-procuring simples.  This done, Pantagruel said to Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great voice, and then come away from thence.  Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not good to cloy all their ordnance?  No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all their powder.  Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and sleep, that they never perceived him.  He came to the place where their artillery was, and set their munition on fire.  But here was the danger.  The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt.  And had it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting pig.  But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a crossbow could not have had a swifter motion.  When he was clear of their trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been let loose.  At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how?  Even no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.

In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark, and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like foxes.  Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that is in us!  Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if his father’s great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or the Danube.  Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along.  But they were deceived in thinking Pantagruel’s urine had been the blood of their enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the pavilions and some small light of the moon.

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Gargantua and Pantagruel from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.