A Tramp Abroad eBook

The importance of this feature has not been properly magnified in the Black Forest stories.  Manure is evidently the Black-Forester’s main treasure—­his coin, his jewel, his pride, his Old Master, his ceramics, his bric-a-brac, his darling, his title to public consideration, envy, veneration, and his first solicitude when he gets ready to make his will.  The true Black Forest novel, if it is ever written, will be skeletoned somewhat in this way: 

SKELETON FOR A BLACK FOREST NOVEL

Rich old farmer, named Huss.  Has inherited great wealth of manure, and by diligence has added to it.  It is double-starred in Baedeker. [1] The Black forest artist paints it—­his masterpiece.  The king comes to see it.  Gretchen Huss, daughter and heiress.  Paul Hoch, young neighbor, suitor for Gretchen’s hand—­ostensibly; he really wants the manure.  Hoch has a good many cart-loads of the Black Forest currency himself, and therefore is a good catch; but he is sordid, mean, and without sentiment, whereas Gretchen is all sentiment and poetry.  Hans Schmidt, young neighbor, full of sentiment, full of poetry, loves Gretchen, Gretchen loves him.  But he has no manure.  Old Huss forbids him in the house.  His heart breaks, he goes away to die in the woods, far from the cruel world—­for he says, bitterly, “What is man, without manure?”

1.  When Baedeker’s guide-books mention a thing and put
    two stars (**) after it, it means well worth visiting. 
    M.T.

[Interval of six months.]

Paul Hoch comes to old Huss and says, “I am at last as rich as you required—­come and view the pile.”  Old Huss views it and says, “It is sufficient—­take her and be happy,”—­meaning Gretchen.

[Interval of two weeks.]

Wedding party assembled in old Huss’s drawing-room.  Hoch placid and content, Gretchen weeping over her hard fate.  Enter old Huss’s head bookkeeper.  Huss says fiercely, “I gave you three weeks to find out why your books don’t balance, and to prove that you are not a defaulter; the time is up—­find me the missing property or you go to prison as a thief.”  Bookkeeper:  “I have found it.”  “Where?” Bookkeeper (sternly—­tragically):  “In the bridegroom’s pile!—­behold the thief—­see him blench and tremble!” [Sensation.] Paul Hoch:  Lost, lost!”—­falls over the cow in a swoon and is handcuffed.  Gretchen:  “Saved!” Falls over the calf in a swoon of joy, but is caught in the arms of Hans Schmidt, who springs in at that moment.  Old Huss:  “What, you here, varlet?  Unhand the maid and quit the place.”  Hans (still supporting the insensible girl):  “Never!  Cruel old man, know that I come with claims which even you cannot despise.”

Huss:  “What, you? name them.”