Advice to Heroines

I

    A heroine must shrink and cling
      When heroes are about,
    And thus the watching world will think: 
      “How brave his heart and stout!”
    But if he chance to be away
      When bright-faced dangers shine,
    It will be best for her to play
      The oak-tree, not the vine. 
    In fact the most important thing
    Is knowing when it’s time to cling.

II

With apologies to R.L.S.

    A heroine must be polite
    And do what others say is right,
    And think men wise and formidable—­
    At least as far as she is able.

Mutual Vows

    “My dear,” he said, “observe this frightful bill,
    Run up, I think you’ll own, against my will. 
    If you will recollect our wedding day
    You vowed on that occasion to obey.” 
    “I do recall the day,” said she, “and how
    Me with your worldly goods you did endow.” 
    “That,” he replied, “is palpably absurd——­”
    “You mean you did not mean to keep your word?”
    “O, yes,” he answered, “in a general way.” 
    “And that,” said she, “is how I meant obey.”

If They Meant All They Said

    Charm is a woman’s strongest arm;
    My charwoman is full of charm;
    I chose her, not for strength of arm
    But for her strange elusive charm.

    And how tears heighten woman’s powers! 
    My typist weeps for hours and hours: 
    I took her for her weeping powers—­
    They so delight my business hours.

    A woman lives by intuition. 
    Though my accountant shuns addition
    She has the rarest intuition. 
    (And I myself can do addition.)

    Timidity in girls is nice. 
    My cook is so afraid of mice. 
    Now you’ll admit it’s very nice
    To feel your cook’s afraid of mice.

Democracy

    Democracy is this—­to hold
      That all who wander down the pike
      In cart or car, on foot or bike,
    Or male or female, young or old,
      Are much alike—­are much alike.

Feminism

    “Mother, what is a Feminist?”
      “A Feminist, my daughter,
    Is any woman now who cares
    To think about her own affairs
      As men don’t think she oughter.”

The Warning

    No, it isn’t home neglecting
    If you spend your time selecting
      Seven blouses and a jacket and a hat;
    Or to give your day to paying
    Needless visits, or to playing
      Auction bridge.  What critic could object to that? 
    But to spend two precious