A Chinese butcher’s reply to a complaint of short weight:—­

    “Butcher said he had gave to your coolie with full weight and
    expecting your coolie fall down some of them on the road.”

* * * * *

Lessons of the war.

II.

    (The Ophir Gold Pantomime Syndicate issues its Preliminary
    Instructions for the Production of its Annual Pantomime.)

Preliminary instructions.

O.G.P.S. 42/B/26.

November 20th, 1919.

1. General Outline.

It is the intention of the Ophir Gold Pantomime Syndicate to attack and capture the Public Favour on the night of the 26/27 December, 1919.

As foreshadowed in the preliminary Press Notices (which will be issued later) the production will outstrip all previous productions both in wit and splendour.

The Preliminary Bombardment will be carried out by Press Agents of all calibres.

The General Scheme will be as laid down in the West-End Managers’ Standard Formation of Pantomimes.

Zero time will probably be at 7 P.M.

If the operation is successful it will be repeated daily until further (fortnight’s) notice, and every endeavour will be made to exploit the success to the full.

2. Advertisements.

No opportunity for advertisement will be neglected.

Advance Agents will reconnoitre the ground thoroughly and secure the best hoardings available.

The Leading Lady will lose her jewels not later than 4 P.M. on
December 22nd.  “Q.” will arrange for the necessary publicity.

3. Chorus.

Will consist of One Section Blondes and Brunettes, One Section Petites and One Section “Stunners” (see Standard Formation, para. 3a).  Category “B” will be at the back.  Category “B” of last year’s Chorus will be transferred to the Pantomime Employment Company.

4. Scenery.

The S.E. (Scenic Engineers) will co-operate by improvising new scenery out of last year’s production as far as possible.

5. Discipline.

The stage-manager will be responsible for the strictest discipline being maintained during performances, and will put up a barrage of invective at the slightest signs of slackness.

6. Intelligence.

Ground observers will be sent out to note the effect of the comedians’ gags upon the audience.  They will report any impropriety at once to the Manager, who will at once take steps to improve upon it.

7. Police.

Special Mounted Police will assist the doorkeeper to collect all stragglers at the Stage Door and will cause them to be returned to their paternal units (if their credentials are not satisfactory).

8. Dressing-rooms.