“I’ll admit a laundry hasn’t got
the class of poetry or real estate, but just the same,
Orvy is mighty deep. Ever start him spieling about
gardening? Say, that fellow can tell you the name
of every kind of tree, and some of their Greek and
Latin names too! Besides, we owe the Joneses
a dinner. Besides, gosh, we got to have some boob
for audience, when a bunch of hot-air artists like
Frink and Littlefield get going.”
“Well, dear—I meant to speak of this—I
do think that as host you ought to sit back and listen,
and let your guests have a chance to talk once in
a while!”
“Oh, you do, do you! Sure! I talk
all the time! And I’m just a business man—oh
sure!—I’m no Ph.D. like Littlefield,
and no poet, and I haven’t anything to spring!
Well, let me tell you, just the other day your darn
Chum Frink comes up to me at the club begging to know
what I thought about the Springfield school-bond issue.
And who told him? I did! You bet your life
I told him! Little me! I certainly did!
He came up and asked me, and I told him all about
it! You bet! And he was darn glad to listen
to me and—Duty as a host! I guess I
know my duty as a host and let me tell you—”
In fact, the Orville Joneses were invited.
On the morning of the dinner, Mrs. Babbitt was restive.
“Now, George, I want you to be sure and be home
early tonight. Remember, you have to dress.”
“Uh-huh. I see by the Advocate that the
Presbyterian General Assembly has voted to quit the
Interchurch World Movement. That—”
“George! Did you hear what I said?
You must be home in time to dress to-night.”
“Dress? Hell! I’m dressed now!
Think I’m going down to the office in my B.V.D.’s?”
“I will not have you talking indecently before
the children! And you do have to put on your
dinner-jacket!”
“I guess you mean my Tux. I tell you, of
all the doggone nonsensical nuisances that was ever
invented—”
Three minutes later, after Babbitt had wailed, “Well,
I don’t know whether I’m going to dress
or not” in a manner which showed that he
was going to dress, the discussion moved on.
“Now, George, you mustn’t forget to call
in at Vecchia’s on the way home and get the
ice cream. Their delivery-wagon is broken down,
and I don’t want to trust them to send it by—”
“All right! You told me that before breakfast!”
“Well, I don’t want you to forget.
I’ll be working my head off all day long, training
the girl that’s to help with the dinner—”
“All nonsense, anyway, hiring an extra girl
for the feed. Matilda could perfectly well—”
“—and I have to go out and buy the
flowers, and fix them, and set the table, and order
the salted almonds, and look at the chickens, and
arrange for the children to have their supper upstairs
and—And I simply must depend on you to
go to Vecchia’s for the ice cream.”
