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This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 62 pages of information about Keeping up with Lizzie.
Another man was caught sellin’ under weight with fixed scales, an’ went to prison.  Henry Brown failed, an’ we found that he had borrowed five hundred dollars from John Bass, an’ at the same time John Bass had borrowed six hundred from Tom Rogers, an’ Rogers had borrowed seven hundred an’ fifty from Sam Henshaw, an’ Henshaw had borrowed the same amount from Percival Smith, an’ Smith had got it from me.  The chain broke, the note structure fell like a house o’ cards, an’ I was the only loser—­think o’ that.  There were five capitalists an’ only one man with real money.

II

In which Lizzie returns to her home, having met A queen and acquired an accent and A fiance

“Sam Henshaw’s girl had graduated an’ gone abroad with her mother.  One Sunday ‘bout a year later, Sam flew up to the door o’ my house in his automobile.  He lit on the sidewalk an’ struggled up the steps with two hundred an’ forty-seven pounds o’ meat on him.  He walked like a man carryin’ a barrel o’ pork.  He acted as if he was glad to see me an’ the big arm-chair on the piaz’.

“‘What’s the news?’ I asked.

“‘Lizzie an’ her mother got back this mornin’,’ he gasped.  ’They’ve been six months in Europe.  Lizzie is in love with it.  She’s hobnobbed with kings an’ queens.  She talks art beautiful.  I wish you’d come over an’ hear her hold a conversation.  It’s wonderful.  She’s goin’ to be a great addition to this community.  She’s got me faded an’ on the run.  I ran down to the store for a few minutes this mornin’, an’ when I got back she says to me: 

“‘"Father, you always smell o’ ham an’ mustard.  Have you been in that disgusting store?  Go an’ take a bahth at once.”  That’s what she called it—­a “bahth.”  Talks just like the English people—­she’s been among ’em so long.  Get into my car an’ I’ll take ye over an’ fetch ye back.’

“Sam regarded his humiliation with pride an’ joy.  At last Lizzie had convinced him that her education had paid.  My curiosity was excited.  I got in an’ we flew over to his house.  Sam yelled up the stairway kind o’ joyful as we come in, an’ his wife answered at the top o’ the stairs an’ says: 

“’Mr. Henshaw, I wish you wouldn’t shout in this house like a boy calling the cows.’

“I guess she didn’t know I was there.  Sam ran up-stairs an’ back, an’ then we turned into that splendid parlor o’ his an’ set down.  Purty soon Liz an’ her mother swung in an’ smiled very pleasant an’ shook hands an’ asked how was my family, etc., an’ went right on talkin’.  I saw they didn’t ask for the purpose of gettin’ information.  Liz was dressed to kill an’ purty as a picture—­cheeks red as a rooster’s comb an’ waist like a hornet’s.  The cover was off her showcase, an’ there was a diamond sunburst in the middle of it, an’ the jewels were surrounded by charms to which I am not wholly insensible even now.

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