“As a woman married to an Army officer for nineteen years I do not consider that I could possibly, on less than our present income, provide my children and husband with the necessary education and comfort.”—­Letter in Daily Paper.

Some husbands take a lot of educating.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Assistant Paymaster, “HOW LONG WERE YOU IN YOUR LAST JOB?” "Hostilities Only” Man.  “THREE MONTHS, SIR.” A.P. “WHAT WERE YOU DOING?” H.O.M. “THREE MONTHS.”]

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO STAYED AT HOME

(A SOLILOQUY AFTER A DAY’S WORK AT THE MINISTRY OF FOOD).

[Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE, formerly First Secretary of the Ministry of Food, has been in consultation with the Supreme Council for Supply and Relief in Paris.  Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE has just returned from a mission of inquiry into the food situation in Austria.]

    Let others speed to far Sequanian shores
    To end the War that was to end all wars,
    Where peace-pursuing Discord loud debates
    And all hotels are packed with Delegates;
    Where pundits in the Parliament of Man
    Discuss or Georgian or Wilsonian Plan;
    Where fickle Fate dispenses weal or woe
    Respectively assigned to friend and foe;
    Where Cornucopia meekly comes to heel
    Under instructions from Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE.

    Let others in Icarian feats engage
    With the ingenious aid of HANDLEY PAGE;
    Haste to discover all that may be known
    About the situation in Cologne;
    Or, like Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE, to appease
    The clamourings of esurient Viennese—­
    In none of these things Fortune waits for me,
    Nor Knighthood cheap, nor unctuous O.B.E. 
    Ah, not for me to note with facile pen
    Successive stages of the L. of N.
    With calorimetric and statistic arts
    Administer the prog of Foreign Parts,
    Or, eager not to do the thing by halves,
    To reconcile the Czechs and Jugo-Slavs—­
    I will, resigning honours, kudos, pelf,
    Administer hot cocoa to myself;
    Then to repose; for it is truly said
    The best location of mankind is BED.

* * * * *

EMANCIPATION.

    “Wanted by respectable woman, a couple of Gentleman’s Trousers
    (left off).”—­Irish Paper.

* * * * *

    “A Caproni machine flew a distance of 325 miles in four
    fours.”—­Scottish Paper.

A correspondent writes to ask if this is double the time usually described as “two two’s.”

* * * * *

“At 11 o’clock the muster roll at many shops and offices was still incomplete.  Indeed assistants were reported ‘missing’ at many establishments an hour later.  There were girls—­Government and others—­who stayed at home.”—­Evening Paper.

Little pigs who wouldn’t go to market.