But when a measurer of tape
      Turns butterfly and dandy,
    Assumes their grace, their air, their shape,
      I wish a pump were handy! 
    I never to such balls will go,
      Those poor pretexts for prancing;
    Where Jenkins dislocates his toe,
      And Tomkins thinks he’s dancing.

Monthly Magazine.

* * * * *

THE GATHERER.

    A snapper up of unconsidered trifles.

SHAKSPEARE.

* * * * *

FAMILY RECKONING.

Two Irishmen lately met, who had not seen each other since their arrival from Dublin’s fair city.  Pat exclaimed, “How are you, my honey; how is Biddy Sulivan, Judy O’Connell, and Daniel O’Keefe?” “Oh! my jewel,” answered the other, “Biddy has got so many children that she will soon be a grandfather; Judy has six, but they have no father at all, for she never was married.  And, as for Daniel, he’s grown so thin, that he is as thin as us both put together.”

W. G. C.

* * * * *

VARY-WEEL WHILE IT LASTS.

Two old Scotch gentlemen, having left their better halves in the Land o’ Cakes, on quitting Covent Garden theatre were discussing the merits of the play, the School for Scandal.  “I was vary gled to see Sir Peter and my Leddy Tizzle sic gude frinds agin, Mr. M’Dougal, what think ye?” “Eh, mon, vary weel while it lasts, but it’s just Mrs. M’Dougal’s way.  I’se warrant they’re at it agin afore we are doon in our beds mon.”  Poor Sheridan should have heard this himself.

* * * * *

One of his majesty’s frigates being at anchor on a winter’s night, in a tremendous gale of wind, the ground broke, and she began to drive.  The lieutenant of the watch ran down to the captain and awoke him from his sleep, and told him the anchor had come home.  “Well,” said the captain, rubbing his eyes, “I think our anchor is perfectly right, for who the d——­ would stay out such a night as this?”

W. G. C.

* * * * *

Beer was first introduced into England in 1492; into Scotland as early as 1482.  By the statute of King James I. one full quart of the best beer or ale was to be sold for one penny, and two quarts of small beer for one penny.

* * * * *

In the museum of Stuttgard, is a portrait of the Countess of Salzburg, who, at the age of 50 years, had mustachios, whiskers, and a beard, as long and as black as those of any man.

* * * * *

TRIAL BY JURY.