CHARIVARIA.

“Of course I cannot be in France and America at the same time,” said Colonel Roosevelt to a New York interviewer.  The ex-President is a very capable man and we can only conclude that he has not been really trying.

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“The Church of to-morrow is not to be built up of prodigal sons,” said a speaker at the Congregational Conference.  Fatted calves will, however, continue to be a feature in Episcopal circles.

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A Berlin coal merchant has been suspended from business for being rude to customers.  It is obvious that the Prussian aristocracy will not abandon its prerogatives without a struggle.

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The lack of food control in Ireland daily grows more scandalous.  A Belfast constable has arrested a woman who was chewing four five-pound notes, and had already swallowed one.

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An alien who was fined at Feltham police court embraced his solicitor and kissed him on the cheek.  Some curiosity exists as to whether the act was intended as a reprisal.

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The English Hymnal, says a morning paper, “contains forty English Traditional Melodies and three Welsh tunes.”  This attempt to sow dissension among the Allies can surely be traced to some enemy source.

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Mr. George Moore, the novelist, declares that Robert Louis Stevenson “was without merit for tale-telling.”  But how does Mr. George Moore know?

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“Is Pheasant Shooting Dangerous?” asks a weekly paper headline.  We understand that many pheasants are of the opinion that it has its risks.

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Only a little care is needed in the cooking of the marrow, says Mrs. Mudie Cooke.  But in eating it great caution should be taken not to swallow the marrow whole.

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An applicant at the House of Commons’ Appeal Tribunal stated that he had been wrongly described as a Member of Parliament.  It is not known who first started the scandal.

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Herr BATOCKI, Germany’s first Food Dictator, is now on active service on the Western Front, where his remarks about the comparative dulness of the proceedings are a source of constant irritation to the Higher Command.

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It is rumoured that the Carnegie Medal for Gallantry is to be awarded to the New York gentleman who has purchased Mr. EPSTEIN’S “Venus.”

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We understand that an enterprising firm of publishers is now negotiating for the production of a book written by “The German Prisoner Who Did Not Escape.”

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Four conscientious objectors at Newhaven have complained that their food often contains sandy substances.  It seems a pity that the authorities cannot find some better way of getting a little grit into these poor fellows.