Miscellaneous Essays eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 250 pages of information about Miscellaneous Essays.

Miscellaneous Essays eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 250 pages of information about Miscellaneous Essays.
to furnish his friend with a constant succession of corpses, provided, and be it understood always, that his said friend in return should supply him with one half of the articles he would receive from the friends of the parties murdered or to be murdered.  The doctor invariably recommended his invaluable friend the pollinctor, (whom let us call the undertaker;) the undertaker, with equal regard to the sacred rights of friendship, uniformly recommended the doctor.  Like Pylades and Orestes, they were models of a perfect friendship:  in their lives they were lovely, and on the gallows, it is to be hoped, they were not divided.

“Gentlemen, it makes me laugh horribly, when I think of those two friends drawing and redrawing on each other:  ’Pollinctor in account with Doctor, debtor by sixteen corpses; creditor by forty-five bandages, two of which damaged.’  Their names unfortunately are lost; but I conceive they must have been Quintus Burkius and Publius Harius.  By the way, gentlemen, has anybody heard lately of Hare?  I understand he is comfortably settled in Ireland, considerably to the west, and does a little business now and then; but, as he observes with a sigh, only as a retailer—­nothing like the fine thriving wholesale concern so carelessly blown up at Edinburgh.  ’You see what comes of neglecting business,’—­is the chief moral, the [Greek:  epimutheon], as AEsop would say, which he draws from his past experience.”

At length came the toast of the day—­Thugdom in all its branches.

The speeches attempted at this crisis of the dinner were past all counting.  But the applause was so furious, the music so stormy, and the crashing of glasses so incessant, from the general resolution never again to drink an inferior toast from the same glass, that my power is not equal to the task of reporting.  Besides which, Toad-in-the-hole now became quite ungovernable.  He kept firing pistols in every direction; sent his servant for a blunderbuss, and talked of loading with ball-cartridge.  We conceived that his former madness had returned at the mention of Burke and Hare; or that, being again weary of life, he had resolved to go off in a general massacre.  This we could not think of allowing:  it became indispensable, therefore, to kick him out, which we did with universal consent, the whole company lending their toes uno pede, as I may say, though pitying his gray hairs and his angelic smile.  During the operation the orchestra poured in their old chorus.  The universal company sang, and (what surprised us most of all) Toad-in-the-hole joined us furiously in singing—­

  “Et interrogatum est ab omnibus—­Ubi est ille Toad-in-the-hole
  Et responsum est ab omnibus—­Non est inventus.”

JOAN OF ARC[1]

IN REFERENCE TO M. MICHELET’S HISTORY OF FRANCE.

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Miscellaneous Essays from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.