When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows: 

“Ladies and Gentlemen:  I cannot express, in words, the profound gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent addresses which have just been delivered.  The advancement of Science is an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished savants as I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, when the bag is open.

As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of Learning.  I will therefore, with Your Permission, read” (loud cries of ‘No!  No!’ ‘Put him out!’ etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) “the following papers:  ’An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything to do with the Migration of the Swallow,’ ’On the possibility of straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.’  ’On Marine Plants and Deep Sea Currents.’  ’On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the Mechanic’s Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.’  ’Some Reflections on Reflection.’  ’The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.’  ’Minute Experiments with the Hour-Glass,’ and ‘Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.’”

I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience.  In short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber.  Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence.  I am determined, however, that my theses shall not be lost to posterity.  I intend to have them published, and to send you a copy of each.

Profoundly yours,

CHINCAPIN.

* * * * *

Pearing Time.

We learn that “some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in blossom.”  Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before been seen.  Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor?

* * * * *

INDEX

  A.

  About a Clock
  Advice to Picnic Parties
  Aerated Verbiage
  Agricultural Column, Our
  Albany Cock Robins
  Allurements of the Period
  All Aboard for Holland
  All Hail
  American Cutlery in France
  Answers to Correspondents
  Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All? 
  Astronomical Conversations
  Associated Press Telegrams
  Augean Job, An